It's time to get to know Drew (aka Officer Spreadem) a little better. He answers 20 off-the-wall questions to, well, kill some time and give you a laugh.
If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?
Oh, definitely squirrels. They'd just be constantly yelling about how you're hoarding all the good nuts and judging your landscaping choices. Nobody likes a nut hog.
What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence?
Those tiny plastic tabs that hold bread bags closed. They're the bane of my existence. I swear they multiply in the dark.
If you could have any superpower related to food, what would it be?
The ability to perfectly portion out pasta every single time. No more mountains of leftover spaghetti. Just…perfect.
What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen someone do in public?
Saw a guy serenading a parking meter once. He seemed very passionate about its…metallic beauty. Or maybe it's a Los Angeles thing. I dunno.
If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be and why?
An avocado. Because I'm expensive, trendy and apparently everyone loves me on toast. Plus, I’m notoriously difficult to ripen correctly.
What's the most ridiculous thing you've ever bought?
A self-stirring mug when I first became a Buff Boy. I am, apparently, too lazy to manually stir my own coffee. The shame!
If you could replace all the grass in the world with something else, what would it be?
Giant, bouncy castles. Think of the possibilities! The world would be a giant playground. And it's good exercise.
What's your go-to dance move when no one is watching?
It's a delicate combination of the sprinkler, the robot and a little bit of interpretive dance inspired by the washing machine. Don't judge.
If you had to wear a costume every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
A giant inflatable dinosaur. Comfort and intimidation combined in one convenient package! And speaking of package...
What's the silliest argument you've ever had with someone?
Arguing with a roommate about whether cereal is soup. It escalated quickly. We're still not entirely sure who "won."
If you could only eat one flavor of ice cream for the rest of your life, but it had to have a bizarre name, what would it be?
"Unicorn Tears of Joy" ice cream. Hopefully, it tastes like rainbow sherbet and happiness.
What's the most embarrassing song you secretly love?
Anything by the Spice Girls. I may or may not still know all the words to "Wannabe." Don't tell anyone.
If you could invent a new holiday, what would it be and how would people celebrate it?
"National Pajama Day." Everyone would have to wear pajamas all day and binge-watch their favorite shows. Mandatory naps are also included. Oh god, it sounds like being a Buff Boy already. Submit your applications!
What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?
I once dreamt I was a talking pineapple leading a revolution against a tyrannical orange juice empire. I woke up very confused. No, vodka and OJ was NOT involved.
If your life was a sitcom, what would it be called?
"Chronically Unprepared." It's tragically accurate.
What object have you lost more times than you care to admit?
My sanity. Just kidding… mostly. My keys. Definitely my keys. Always my keys.
If you could have any animal as a personal assistant, what would it be and why?
A sloth. It would be incredibly inefficient, but also delightfully chill. Plus, it would be a great excuse for being late to meetings. "Sorry, the sloth was feeling particularly unmotivated this morning."
What’s the most useless talent you possess?
I can perfectly mimic the sound of a dial-up modem connecting to the internet. I'm known to bust it out in meetings when we're waiting on technology to catch up with someone talking.
If you could only communicate through interpretive dance for a day, how would you order a pizza?
I don't even understand that question! A series of frantic movements representing a circular shape, followed by exaggerated gestures of cheese being sprinkled, then a dramatic reenactment of biting into a delicious slice. Hopefully, they’d understand.
What is your spirit animal and why?
A slightly caffeinated hamster on a wheel. Perpetually busy, but not entirely sure where I'm going.