My mom is too opinionated about my relationship. She's always asking questions and sticking her nose in. I'm starting to lie because I don't feel like telling her everything she wants to know. I'm avoiding her calls and pretending I don't get her texts. I'm tempted to cut her off entirely. What should I do?
Moms sometimes have separation issues. How many times have we heard that line, “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.” Here’s the thing, when we’re young, sure, our world is their world. When we get older and move out, the world is ours. We define what happens in our life.
You haven’t mentioned if you still live with your mom. If you do, that might give her the feeling she has a right to know anything and everything because you’re still under her roof. If you’re on your own, this is much easier to resolve.
Under her roof: Go with politician answers. Answer her indirectly. Or give a long-winded response that sounds like an answer but really isn’t. Better yet, say, “I’m actually not comfortable talking about this.” If she pushes more, shutdown altogether. What’s she going to do? Punish you for not talking? So, she’ll be angry for a while. Whatever, it’s her issue. If you feel like challenging her, pushback and grill her about her relationship with your dad. Probe. Ask the awkward and uncomfortable things. If she’s not willing to open up, why should you be? (And the “because I’m your mother” line is a crock of shit.)
Not under her roof: Ignore her calls and messages – at least the ones that pertain to your relationship. If she asks how you’re doing, fine, answer that. If it then leads to a question about your partner, just don’t answer it. It’s not unreasonable to say you got busy or distracted and forgot to reply – or say you didn’t get the follow-up message. The beauty of having your own home is you have the power to block her out. (Here’s hoping she doesn’t have keys to your place.) You have no obligation to answer anyone’s call or text or email when it comes to your personal life. It’s like how some people – usually a parent or a partner – expect you to reply within a certain amount of time before they start blasting you with “Did you get my message?” and “Are you there?” and “Hello??” panicky follow-ups. You’ll get to it when you get to it, right?
Lying is one way to go but I think over time that’s going to become exhausting for you. If you’re making up stories you’re going to have to remember details and if you stray from that, expect a mom grilling because “that’s not what you told me before” and now you’re in for all sorts of backtracking – and 10 times the interrogation in that moment and in the future.
If she can’t accept that you’re an adult (I assume you are) that’s her hangup. I’d also be interested to know what she’s got going on in her life. Do you have siblings? Are you the youngest? If you’re still living with her, are you the last little birdie in the nest? If you moved out, did you leave her with an empty nest? Moreover, does she have hobbies? Friends? If you have siblings, is she just as involved in their relationships? On the sibling front (if you have any), have you talked to them and asked if she’s like this with them? If she is, how do they deal with it? Remember, there’s strength in numbers.
When I first moved out, my mom blasted me with calls and expected to hear back from me within 15 minutes. Seriously. She’d call and leave three voice mails and then my brother would call. Coincidence, considering he never calls me out of the blue? Absolutely. He’d tell me right away that our mom called and asked if he’d heard from me. She’s one of those people who had the countdown clock and unreasonable expectation that I HAD to get back to her when SHE decided.
As a grown-ass man, I put my foot down and ultimately shutdown. It wasn’t uncommon for me to turn off my phone for hours at a stretch or even for a full day. Later, I only turned off the phone signal and still connected to the internet so others could communicate with me since she only had a landline and wasn’t wirelessly connected to devices. Eventually, she got the hint. Did it hurt her feelings? Sure. But that’s on her. It’s my life, not hers.